A Letter to Lena Haloway

**Heads up - this little letter has plenty of spoilers for the Delirium trilogy. Don't read if you don't want to be spoiled!

You can also check out my spoiler-free review of Requiem (although it will spoil you for Pandemonium and Delirium).

Dear Lena,

I hope you know that I mean all of this in the best way possible, after we have gone through so much together. All the way from Delirium to Requiem, and the novellas in between.

I'm always rooting for ya. I GET WHY this was so hard for you. You try to escape with the love of your life, he gets shot and you run away. You're convinced he's dead, only for him to miraculously show up again when you're with the rebound boy with no explanation as to WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED TO HIM. Then he continues to ignore and shun you, as if this is all your fault somehow?

I don't get him either.

But that's exactly the point. We don't GET him or why he's acting that way. I do get you. I read three books from your point of view. The thing is, the two of you would benefit so much from a little heart to heart. A little bit of give and take. Although it's likely going to take a lot of GIVING from both of you.

I really don't get why you're complaining about Alex sitting with some girl, when you're the one hanging off of Julian and engaging him in PDA whenever Alex walks into a room. At that point, I can understand why he'd try to stay away from you.

Also, for future reference: the worst time to have a heart to heart is in the middle of a battlefield in your old hometown. Probably not the best idea. Just my two cents.

I can understand being drawn to Julian at first. He's definitely likable and curious enough. When everything HURTS SO MUCH and you can't have what you really want, my gut reaction is to seek out any kind of comfort at all. But let's call a spade a spade, and acknowledge that Julian is the rebound boy, yes? He may be a pretty fantastic rebound boy but there was never any chance to get away from either boy.

Maybe it really is true that Alex has changed so much and so have you, that the two of you aren't the same and won't work the way you did in Delirium. (But I don't believe that.) And you may have TRIED to ignore the Alex-thoughts in the back of your head (and your heart) but you kept coming back to him, even in Pandemonium. And it just isn't fair to Julian, in that case, like you acknowledge at one point. But I just don't see how this is second love at all- it barely looks like love at all, beyond friendship.

xoxo,

Review: Requiem

Requiem (Delirium #3) by Lauren Oliver
Release Date ~ March 5, 2013
HarperTeen ~ HarperCollins
ISBN13: 9780062014535
ARC received from HarperCollins Canada 

Goodreads Synopsis:

They have tried to squeeze us out, to stamp us into the past.
But we are still here.
And there are more of us every day.
Now an active member of the resistance, Lena has been transformed. The nascent rebellion that was under way in Pandemonium has ignited into an all-out revolution in Requiem, and Lena is at the center of the fight.
After rescuing Julian from a death sentence, Lena and her friends fled to the Wilds. But the Wilds are no longer a safe haven—pockets of rebellion have opened throughout the country, and the government cannot deny the existence of Invalids. Regulators now infiltrate the borderlands to stamp out the rebels, and as Lena navigates the increasingly dangerous terrain, her best friend, Hana, lives a safe, loveless life in Portland as the fiancée of the young mayor.
Maybe we are driven crazy by our feelings.
Maybe love is a disease, and we would be better off without it.
But we have chosen a different road.
And in the end, that is the point of escaping the cure: We are free to choose.
We are even free to choose the wrong thing.
Requiem is told from both Lena’s and Hana’s points of view. The two girls live side by side in a world that divides them until, at last, their stories converge.

You can also read my review for Delirium (on audio), Pandemonium, Hana's novella, and the reasons why I love Delirium so much. 

I had a significant number of worries coming into Requiem. This book was easily my most anticipated read of 2013; I've invested so much emotion and energy into this story and its characters. Delirium easily stands as one of my favourite books ever.

But there was so much riding on this one little book! I'd say that Alex, rather than Lena, is my favourite character of the bunch and Pandemonium just didn't seem to set things up for the ending I wanted to see. And there's always something heartbreaking about the ending of a series; bittersweet, like saying goodbye to old, familiar friends.

I'll say right away that I was not nearly as disappointed or as devastated as most other readers seemed to be by Requiem. It made me look at the trilogy from a whole new light, and I'm curious to see how I'll feel after re-reading the three books. Also: this review is the hardest one I've ever written, hands down.

1. A story about love that's about more than romance:
   
   One thing I've noticed is how easy it is for us readers to get caught up in the Julian/Alex debate. But while reading Requiem, I soon became aware that this was not the biggest focus of the book or even the series. I'm so appreciative that Lauren Oliver took the chance to explore other avenues of love, from the relationship between Lena and her mother, to her best friend Hana, to the deep, life-altering friendships she makes in The Wilds and within the resistance. I think it's easy for us to focus so much on these swoon-worthy boys that we miss some of the other heartbreaking moments; for me, it was notably the deterioration of Lena and Hana's friendship and Lena's lack of a relationship with her mother, Annabel. And you know what? I was honestly & pleasantly surprised by how much Requiem didn't focus on the romance. That's a blessing in YA these days and really great for those who want to see more from a book than just romance. Yet it still has some of the best romance I've ever read about (in the series, as a whole).
2. Lena's epic character transformation:
   
   I'd hate to call this "character development" because it's much more than that - rather, it's more like an evolution. When you compare the old Lena from Delirium to the changing Lena in Pandemonium with the new Lena in Requiem, it becomes apparent how drastic these changes have been. Yet, one thing I noticed re-reading Delirium is that the seeds of change were already planted in Lena before Alex ever came along. I might even say that she's more like her mother than she may ever realize. But I believe it is entirely consistent with her character and who she is for this transformation to take place.
3. A world falling apart:
   
   One of my favourite parts of this series is that Lauren has so much attention on the world she's created, and really works to bring it to life through her stories. I found Requiem to have a bit more of an emphasis on this, and we really get to see a society that's crumbling apart. I'm incredibly curious to know what happens in the future, but I think it's clear that big changes are coming for society.
4. Hana offers a fresh perspective to the book:
   
   Hana is easily one of the most interesting characters from the Delirium cast, and I think this is another reason in support of saying that by Requiem, it's very clear that the books are about so much more than a love triangle or even just Lena's life. While Lena is busy with the resistance, Hana is our insider view to Portland and the "upper class" of that community. I found Hana's story to have the potential to be just as heartbreaking as Lena's, and her voice stood out so much from Lena's narrative that it was a great way to freshen up the series. 

I'll also admit that it would take a lot for me to truly hate this book - I'm well aware that I'm biased (and maybe partially blinded?) by my love for these books. And I can understand why so many readers may be disappointed by how few plot elements are actually wrapped up. That is disappointing, but I can see how the open-endedness works well too. (For me, I'm happily convinced that Alex and Lena are together forever and have ten happy little babies and they spend a lot of time reading poetry and kissing. It doesn't matter what happens in these books, that has always been the ending I invented.) 

I was, however, a tad disappointed with Lena at a few points. I was surprised by her reactions a few times, particularly when it came to Alex and Julian because most of that felt so immature. While something so big is happening with the resistance, it didn't fit to have so much angst between a handful of characters about personal problems. Maybe it was the stress of it all that brought out their worst, but it largely felt out of character to me (and yes, I'm pointing my blame-finger at you too, Alex). 

I've tried my best to be spoiler-free here, but I have a lot of ideas and thoughts I'd like to discuss more in a spoiler-friendly format. So expect a spoiler-y letter where I vent all my feelings to Lena for catharsis. SOON.

And I'm most excited to read the special short from Alex's POV in the first edition Requiem books! I'm hoping that it will give me my necessary dose of Alex Sheathes <3

Pandemonium Read-a-Long: Week Two!

Last week we covered the first half of Pandemonium - you can catch up by reading the recap & my thoughts here.

And if you missed the Delirium Read-a-Long hosted by Christa, you can find her posts on More Than Just Magic. And next week we'll continue with Requiem, hosted by Angel at Mermaid Visions! SO EXCITING!

Day 6 - Next 3 Chapters - Pages 160-196

Quick recap: Lena recalls the group relocating and an interesting encounter with Raven. Raven takes Lena hunting and forces her to kill a rabbit; as if it's a part of Lena's education about the resistance and The Wilds and frankly, just life in general. Lena and Julian struggle between becoming sort-of friends and disliking each other. The Scavengers question Julian and beat him up; Lena realizes that Tack and Raven left her clues in The Book of Shhh telling her to escape and had hidden a knife in the umbrella they gave her. Finally, Lena recalls the past and when Raven and Bram gave her her "cured" procedure mark. 

That first chapter is a good indicator of why I feel somewhat iffy about Raven. I've never really taken to her - and that may partially be because I have yet to read her POV novella. From Lena's perspective we see a lot of what Raven does and what she tells Lena, much of which I don't agree with, but never really understand why. She's just so harsh and I think that comes across very strongly in this scene with the rabbit. And Julian and Lena are just so back and forth! He's curious enough, but I'm becoming less and less convinced about him as a romantic interest (besides a rebound for Alex).

Day 7 - Pages 197-240

Quick recap: Blue becomes sick while Raven, Lena and the others are relocating - she develops a fever and Raven tells Lena the story behind Blue's name - how when she was living at home, she found a "deliria baby" in a shoe box, who was so cold she was blue. Blue dies and the group buries her, and it's clear how hard this is on Raven. In the "now" timeline, Lena forms a plan to escape - she lures one of the Scavenger guards with a fake note and attacks him. She and Julian are able to hide in a closet, while the other Scavengers realize they've escaped and attacked their guard. Lena also realizes that this isn't an ordinary Scavenger group because they're too well-organized and have too much equipment. It looks to her as if they've been hired by someone. Julian also tells her a bit more about how cruel his father is, and how his father was responsible for his brother's death (who fought against the DFA). 

Blue's death is one of the hardest parts of this book for me - it's one of the rare instances Raven really shows emotion and talks about her "before" life. Lauren doesn't shy away from these emotionally impacting scenes at all!
There is so much more action finally! This was a terrible point to leave off, because by now I'm invested in the story. But I'm also less impressed with the scene where Julian and Lena have to figure out the code to the door in the Scavenger's base where they're keeping them. How is it that Julian remembers that he can never remember the code to his house, so they leave little clues nearby - and the Scavengers just happen to do the same thing by having the nearby clock frozen on the time that turns out to be the code? This felt way too far-fetched for me, and makes Julian seem so suspicious! How would that not cross Lena's mind at all?

Day 8 - Pages 241-290

Quick recap: Raven leads the group to the third encampment, hoping to find Tack and Hunter; unfortunately, they arrive to find it abandoned and Scavengers attack them! Luckily Lena and the others are able to fight back and run away well enough, and Tack and Hunter are able to assist them in fighting off the Scavengers. In the "Now" timeline, Lena and Julian are being creepy and eyeing each other up secretly while they shower - really, guys? This is all taking place while they try to escape from the Scavengers. The Scavengers end up attacking them (while they're busy ogling each other) and some mysterious, "rat people" (as Lena affectionately calls them) show up and save them! Lena is wounded and they take her further into the tunnels where she realizes there's a whole group of people living here, hidden from the world because they're considered freaks. The rat guy leads Lena and Julian to the surface, where she discovers a familiar safe house. 

You can probably tell by that little recap that I'm mildly annoyed with Julian and Lena right now. They just seem so... hormonal. As if they've actually been stuck underground for too long, and Julian for someone who has never seen or been around girls before, is all like "oh hey, Lena, I know you told me to turn around but I've never seen a girl naked so let me eye you up while you're topless!" and Lena just goes for it. It's weird.

I'd completely forgotten about this other group of people living underground who rescue Julian and Lena! I really wish we'd gotten to learn more about them, because they are so interesting. They kinda remind me of Leah Bobet's characters in Above, actually.

Day 9 - Pages 291-331 (it's in the middle of the last chapter - this last one is LONG)


Quick recap: Lena and Julian finally decide to jump on each other while at the homestead. They make out and fall asleep, and when they wake up Lena realizes something is wrong... just moments before they're attacked by officials. They're separated and Lena's taken to a van where the official guarding her tells her that she's a part of the resistance. She takes her to another safe house where Lena is reunited with Raven and Tack - where they admit to her that the whole thing was a setup. The Scavengers are paid off by the officials to create fear to ensure people continue to believe the uncureds are savage. Lena and Raven argue about this, and Lena finally calls Raven out for it - saying that these methods are no better than the cureds, because they're just manipulating others to get what they want. Lena discovers that Julian is about to be executed and she decides to try and rescue him.

Something I picked up on in the Julian/Lena kissing scene is how often Lena lets her memories of Alex mingle with Julian - to the point where I don't think it's about either BOY in particular, as much as Lena just wants to love someone. Which makes sense when you think about her relationship with and the loss of her mother. It makes me wonder if perhaps it isn't so much about a particular boy (as in Julian v Alex) but more about just LOVING in general. Someone, anyone.

I also find it interesting how upset Lena becomes with Raven - I don't blame her at all, but it's interesting because Lena is fighting with the resistance.

Final Day - End of last chapter

Quick recap: Lena makes her way to New York to save Julian - she stops first at his house, to discover he isn't there. But she does find the key to Thomas Fineman's study and finds a book of political prisoners where she finds her mother's entry and realizes her mother was the woman who saved her from the regulators. She makes her way to the hospital where Julian is and as it turns out, Raven is the one who shoots Thomas Fineman killing him and helps Lena rescue Julian. Tack is waiting for them in a van, they all reunite happily to continue on with the resistance. Until Alex shows up at the end just as Lena and Julian are pledging their love to each other! (Raven just told Lena a few minutes ago that a hostage who survived the Crypts and escaped during the bombing has just arrived. That would be Alex, apparently.)

I HATE THIS ENDING. I hate that Alex shows up right at the moment that Lena and Julian are kissing and promising to stay together. I hate that after all he has been through, this is the first he and Lena see of each other. I want to know everything that happened to him (he really needs his own book, in my opinion).

Also, at the beginning of this last chapter Lena admits that she feels more comfortable with Julian than she ever did with Alex - but my problem is that I don't see any evidence of this in Pandemonium. I think this is one of the reasons I dislike their relationship compared to Alex and Lena, because I never really see why they've bonded. Part of it is the two being trapped together and held hostage, but it never goes any further than that for me. It seems to be a case of telling rather than showing - we're TOLD that they're so in love, but I just don't see enough evidence of that as opposed to Lena and Alex.

I'm also glad that Raven and Lena could come to a better understanding and appreciation of each other.

Overall, Pandy is a very different book from Delirium. We get a few answers we've been looking for, but we're left with so many other questions as well. During my read through, I'm not sure how well the "then" chapters set in the past of Lena's time in the Wilds worked for this book. I'm not convinced they added as much to the story as another perspective could have. It's still a great book, full of action and thoughtful questions but it doesn't have the same place in my heart as Delirium.

Pandemonium Read-a-long: Week One!

Today's the day! ARE YOU AS EXCITED AS I AM?!

Christa from More Than Just Magic hosted our Delirium read-a-long for the past two weeks as the Requiem Club prepares for Requiem's release (which is only ONE WEEK away now)!

Delirium is by far my favourite of the trilogy (and one of my favourite books of all time) but in Pandemonium we get to see a significant number of changes, and I think there's so much to talk about here.

So whether you haven't read Pandemonium yet, or you're wanting to re-read it before Requiem, or you just want to discuss parts of the book with other readers - make sure you join in! I'll be covering Pandemonium for the next two weeks - and all posts will be located in this post as I'll just update it as we go along.

**Heads up, friends - these posts will be filled with spoilers for Delirium and the parts of Pandemonium we've read. But I won't spoil the end of the book or Requiem**

Day One - First "Now" & "Then" Chapters - Pages 1-45

Quick recap: Lena has escaped from Portland after the disastrous events at the end of Delirium (including Alex being shot and captured/killed). She's delirious, and wakes up in an unfamiliar home where she meets a group of people living in the Wilds who have cared for her after finding her. She meets Raven, who continuously tells her to let things go and move on from the past. 

First of all, can we note how sad I am reading these first pages? My heart is breaking all over again, and it's amazing how well Lauren Oliver picks up right where Delirium left off. Everything that happened in that last chapter of Delirium feels so fresh and newly wounded still. And it is for Lena, even if it isn't for the reader.

One of the key themes of the series that is emphasized a lot in Pandemonium is this idea of new life or rebirth. Lena mentions a number of times that "the old Lena" is dead, and there's only "the new Lena" left. In these first two chapters, she mentions it mostly as she remembers Alex being shot and her escape from Portland. That is her moment of rebirth, but I think looking back we can all see how that isn't exactly true. The beginnings of change had already taken root - I'd say before Lena even really met Alex, but definitely by the time they become friends. And I think possibly it was there inside her all along. Also, I really love the fiery imagery Lauren gives us here; it makes me think of Lena as a phoenix, rising from the ashes. Which I think is pretty much a perfect description of her.

"Fire tearing through every nerve and cell in my body. That's how I am born again, in pain..." 

Another recurring theme throughout the books is this idea that no one is really what they seem. This is hinted at through Delirium, and I think most notably through Alex. Lena sees him as an invalid, and wild and dangerous. Then she gets to know him and realizes... he's nothing really like that. He's sweet and caring and beautiful and thoughtful and brave and.... *sa-wooooon*

But by now this is so clear to Lena. She remembers Portland and the officials there, and she's seriously doubting everything she's ever believed in. She meets some of the people living in the Wilds and things change. for her.

"The animals are on the other sdie of the fence: monsters wearing uniforms. They speak softly and tell lies and smile as they're slitting your throat." 

This is such a hard book for me to read. I think that's partially because everything that happened at the end of Delirium was so dreadful and permanent and all you can do is wish that it will go away and you'll wake up and realize you were dreaming the whole thing. But you can't do that. I can remember a handful of times I felt the same way, and I think that feeling is something all of us can relate to. It's hard, and it stirs up those same feelings.

Day Two - Second "Now" Chapter - Pages 46-58

Quick recap: Lena fills us in a bit more on the super secret spy mission she's doing in New York for Raven. We hear about her attempts to fit in at the school she's attending and her involvement with the DFA to collect information. And while at a big DFA meeting we meet the leader of the movement, Thomas Fineman, and his son, Julian Fineman. Julian gives a speech about how he's willing to risk his life getting cured and what it's been like to nearly die at a young age. 

Confession: I completely forgot all about this side of Julian. I may have been a little bit harsh towards Julian the first time I read Pandy, so it was very eye-opening to re-read this chapter. He is completely different from my recollection of him, and I feel very sympathetic. And I can totally get why Lena is so curious about him, because he really is fascinating with the whole child cancer bit and commitment to the DFA movement by risking his life to get cured. He's a symbol for cureds, and you can tell.

Also, I never took notice of how much info we get about New York and the world outside Portland before. Lena mentions how different it is to have automobiles running because there aren't very many in Portland. Which makes it even clearer how different Porland is from other cured cities - this has been hinted at before, but without Lena experiencing anything else we don't get to see much of it. I really like that Lauren Oliver included this bit to give us a glimpse.

Day Three - Second "Then" and Third "Now" Chapters - Pages 59-86

Quick recap: Lena finally decides to start pulling her weight and really join in with the Raven & Co. group. We see a bit more of their daily lives and see some glimpses of their characters. Lena also realizes that Hana has now gone for her procedure and is coming to terms with Alex's death. But the biggest thing comes in the newest Now chapter where Lena has to go back to the DFA meeting auditorium to retrieve her glove - where she realizes that Juliane Fineman may be hiding some secrets of his own. She notices that he's looking at pictures of far away places all by himself, and he catches her watching him. They have a very brief discussion where neither one likes each other very much.

Lena starts to realize that she has to move forward with her life. Just step by step, day by day to get through it. We see the beginnings of her letting go of Hana and Alex, but she's still grieving over losing them in two very different ways. The Alex-loving part of me is admittedly pleased to see her snub Julian a bit. He really does come across as cold here, doesn't he? It makes sense but still.

One of my favourite quotes is from page 75 - I think it sums up Lena's struggle very well.

"But here's the thing: When I'm running, there's always this split second when the pain is ripping through me and I can hardly breathe and all I see is color and blur - and in that split second, right as the pain crests, and becomes too much, and there's whiteness going through me, I see something to my left, a flicker of color (auburn hair, burning, a crown of leaves)  and I know then, too, that if I only turn my head he'll be there, laughing, watching me, holding out his arms. 

I don't ever turn my head to look, of course. But one day I will. One day I will, and he'll be back, and everything will be okay.

And until then: I run."

I can't get over Lauren's writing. It's gorgeous. Lines like this make my heart stop for a moment.

Day Four - Pages 87-118

Quick recap: Hunter and Lena become closer friends; he shows her how they receive messages from "zombieland" with the birds and the painted nests. She's really throwing herself into life in the Wilds. The group makes plans under the leadership of Raven and Tack to relocate South. then moving back to the present, Lena attends a huge DFA rally with Tack and Raven where she's told to keep an eye on Jlian at all costs. However, Scavengers attack as soon as the rally begins and Julian is taken into the subway by his bodyguards where Lena follows them. She finds Julian's two bodyguards dead and the chapter ends!

I'm so heartbroken every time Lena thinks of Alex and Hana (or even Grace) and how hard she has to work to push them out of her head! I know there's a lot of focus on Alex and Lena's relationship, understandably, but it really becomes clear that Lena has lost more than just him.

Also, I found it interesting that at the DFA rally there were protest groups. We tend to think of the cureds as being one cohesive group, but I think it makes the world here a bit more dimensional to add in this aspect. They don't agree on everything, and we can really see how precarious the situation is for society.

Day Five - Next four chapters - Pages 119-159

Quick recap: Things are really picking up speed now - Miyako is one of the last to get sick in the Wilds and she dies just before the group relocates. The scouts don't come back on time, and Lena discovers the nests have turned red - moments before their area of the Wilds is bombed and the group takes off (minus Squirrel and Grandma who they don't believe made it out of the house). Meanwhile, Julian and Lena in the present end up in a locked room together. Julian finally seems to be letting some of his guard down and Lena eventually does too. 

The most notable part of these chapters for me was probably the bonding between Julian and Lena. You can just see glimpses of friendship taking place there, and Julian is a little bit less flat as he asks Lena to tell him stories and shares some of his own. And I'm realizing he isn't exactly what he seems like at first glance - cold and brainwashed. But there's still something about him that feels a little immature, you know? He just feels so young, although maybe that's just compared to Lena.

I also find it amazing to see how different Lena is between the "Then" and "Now" chapters. Drastic, drastic changes and it's so interesting to see the development.

Announcement: Delirium Trilogy Read-a-Long!

Super exciting announcement time!

Last year, I was lucky enough to host Pandemonium Club with a few very close friends of mine who also happen to be great bloggers.

In anticipation of the third and FINAL release in the Delirium Trilogy, a few of us wanted to put together something else to celebrate Requiem and the series we've loved since day one.

Angel, Christa and I are hosting a read-a-long for every single book in the series starting next week!

We'll go through each book together, and we want YOU to participate with us. We'll spend two weeks on each book so you have plenty of time to read the books with us, and this is a fabulous chance for those of you who haven't read the books yet to get caught up and it will be a chance for some of us who have already read and loved the books to re-read them before they come to an end. (SOB!)

The read-a-long will kick off on February 11th and Christa from More Than Just Magic will be hosting the read-a-long for Delirium.

On February 25th you'll want to head back here to my blog so we can discuss Pandemonium at Esther's Ever After.

Finally, we'll finish off by reading Requiem and Angel from Mermaid Visions will be hosting that beginning on March 11th. The book comes out on March 5th, so that gives you time to pick up your copy of the book!

And YES - there will also be a fantastic prize which participants can enter to win. More on that later!

I hope you're as excited as we are! It's no secret that Delirium is one of my favourite books ever, and in my opinion Requiem is a FANTASTIC end to a dynamic series. There's plenty to talk about in these three books.

So mark your calendars and get your copies of the books ready!

How many of you have read any of the books in the Delirium trilogy? Are you as excited/sad as I am to see it come to an end?