**Heads up - this little letter has plenty of spoilers for the Delirium trilogy. Don't read if you don't want to be spoiled!
You can also check out my spoiler-free review of Requiem (although it will spoil you for Pandemonium and Delirium).
I hope you know that I mean all of this in the best way possible, after we have gone through so much together. All the way from Delirium to Requiem, and the novellas in between.
I'm always rooting for ya. I GET WHY this was so hard for you. You try to escape with the love of your life, he gets shot and you run away. You're convinced he's dead, only for him to miraculously show up again when you're with the rebound boy with no explanation as to WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED TO HIM. Then he continues to ignore and shun you, as if this is all your fault somehow?
I don't get him either.
I really don't get why you're complaining about Alex sitting with some girl, when you're the one hanging off of Julian and engaging him in PDA whenever Alex walks into a room. At that point, I can understand why he'd try to stay away from you.
Also, for future reference: the worst time to have a heart to heart is in the middle of a battlefield in your old hometown. Probably not the best idea. Just my two cents.
I can understand being drawn to Julian at first. He's definitely likable and curious enough. When everything HURTS SO MUCH and you can't have what you really want, my gut reaction is to seek out any kind of comfort at all. But let's call a spade a spade, and acknowledge that Julian is the rebound boy, yes? He may be a pretty fantastic rebound boy but there was never any chance to get away from either boy.
Maybe it really is true that Alex has changed so much and so have you, that the two of you aren't the same and won't work the way you did in Delirium. (But I don't believe that.) And you may have TRIED to ignore the Alex-thoughts in the back of your head (and your heart) but you kept coming back to him, even in Pandemonium. And it just isn't fair to Julian, in that case, like you acknowledge at one point. But I just don't see how this is second love at all- it barely looks like love at all, beyond friendship.